What should I do?

From the day that I was old enough to understand I was taught one thing 'We are all equal'. As I passed school years I formed this idea that men and women are the same. Being biologically different doesn't make us better or worse than the other. I believed this with all my heart. Then came a time when I was forced to accept that I was different and weaker in the eyes of some. I started to notice the subtle ways in which society treated men and women differently. I was confused at first but it soon turned into anger. I hate to admit any weakness, especially one which I believe I don't have. Let others think what they want but I know that I am equal to men.

You always think that if the right people support you can face anything, I thought the same too. I was disappointed. My parents might not be partial in their treatment of girls and boys but they do fall victim to the fear of the society. I have faced eve teasing and leers from strangers but never had it deterred me from living my life. The fear I sense from my parents when they learn of a rape case in the city is the only thing that could make me think twice. I hate fear, I cannot imagine living in fear but I do. Every empty street that I cross or every rowdy group of guys I pass makes me retreat into a shell hoping for the street to end and the group to pass without any mishap. How do I maintain my idea of equality in this light? 

I want to be strong and fight but I do not know how to do that when I fear for myself. I want the society to change but how do I do that when I can be the one facing the consequences? Fear is a strong factor and it is capable of shaping our lives. I don't want to let it do that and I tell every one to not let it do so as well. Do i become a hypocrite if I can't follow what I preach? I am a women and I believe I am equal to men. I just need conviction that thinking so is not something that I might regret. I am warned on my behavior, what to do and how to talk but they never ask the other to do the same. Why should I always face the brunt of rules and social dogmas? 

I don't know what I wish to do or what my final thought is about this issue. I am fearful for myself, for my sister and my friends. But I am also angry for being made a victim. How can my society claim equality when they cannot allow me to be me? I am confused and I have no clue how to work through this confusion. Do I follow the demands of my heart, of equality and freedom or do I cower with the fear that seems to surround us women every time we step out of our safe havens?

We Are Women

Why should we suffer when you are the culprit?

Why should we hurt when the blame lies on you?

We are women but we are not weak.

We fight everyday for our freedom and our lives. 

We stand tall facing calamities that you cower from. 

But you don't know our worth and you fail to value us. 

You take and you snatch and forget the rules of humanity. 

We struggle against you for our dignity but 

you ravage and you destroy without a thought.

You throw us down, seize us and rape us,

 leave us numb and shattered. 

We are women and we are not weak. 

We rise from the ashes like the phoenix. 

We fly with our wings outstretched. 

You may try to crush us and tame us but we are resilient.

You try to suppress our hopes and our dreams 

but we are mothers and we create.

We forge our own life and 

you cannot cripple it with your violence.

We nurture it with strength that you forget we have.

We will not suffer because you are the culprit.

We will not hurt because the blame lies on you.

A N G E L

A shadow in the blue sky covers up the sun.

Open wings stretched across their length to fly.

Flutter of wind, sharp and tugging and breathing.

Mesmerizing height and defying gravity.

Morning shines with warmth, I feel it through my wings.

Unfurl them to breathe, to feel the light and be.

Quivering and shivering, they move with the wind.

Smooth with the strength, intent to take flight.

The cold now permeates as do the unwanted chill.

Heavy with exertion, just will drives them on.

Holding me aloft from drowning in this world.

A dead weight to carry, a dying strength to depend on.

Their beauty now vanished, a shell of their glory is left.

Scratched and torn and bloody, no more my aid.

A burden to carry along with the memories that plague me.

Reminder of the story, the fairytale I lived in.

Escape is not possible, to survive is the only thought.

Pushed down from the heavens to dwell in the mud for eternity.

Punishment or redemption, I have no will to question anymore.

Falling is painful when the awaiting ground is full of thorns.

Days trudge by and so do I with no respite.

Then came the green and the cool blue, a haven, a hope.

A new life here will begin, redemption I have found.

A prayer sent above for blessings on my new abode.

A new world to inhabit; a new world to explore.

A new search to start, to fill the gap I still feel.

The quest was short lived, you came stumbling upon me.

I thought I fell from heaven, angel I found on the ground.

Bright eyea, brighter smile; a new warmth fills my body.

You chased the loneliness away and filled me to the brim with awe.

Every corner now lit up, all is ready to burst out.

Leading me to the new life I was to build, which I was always waiting for.

A future I now see near, the sky is clear blue again.

I feel the wind through my wings followed by your fingers.

Falling does not scare me now, I now what awaits me here.

You will hold on till I'm whole again and do so till the end.

A dream I saw, I questioned and I fell.

Loss of grace and fear of disgrace.

Then I saw my saving light all bright and fearless.

I fall for you as I always do, my angel.

Note: The last image is of Castiel and Dean from the television series Supernatural. You can say that the poem is kind of inspired from it but only partially. And yes I know how obsessive I sound.

REGRET

Its clawing on the insides growing like a black hole.
All light seems to vanish - a gaping darkness.
Every second takes the breath away from this body,
how do I deal with my regret?
The meaning is lost now that I have lost your guidance.
I should have said the important things.
Does it hurt this way all the time?
Why are the tears not running dry, as they always say?
Numbness is all I can feel, is it a feeling at all?
My mind in a frenzy, the past and the future broken to pieces.

I hoped so much, waited for the right time,
now the time is lost like the sun at the end of day.
"It will get better", I have heard that once too many.
Every breathe of mine feels the emptiness.
So far away you had been, I was too young,
but the meaning was still there.
Did I ever tell you that I wanted you in my future?
Did I say that I wanted you happy?
A glorious picture I had created,
now lost in the sands of time, its a hazy memory.
The piercing pain is a reminder,
I have become a walking cliche-

I think I can see you in the night stars,
you shine the brightest for me.
The flashes of that future cross my mind,
why won't the wetness on my face dry?
Is there a heaven or hell?
I know where you will be.
Are you still watching over us like you used to?
Am I still blessed by you?
I hope you find your peace and calm,
all that you missed here.
Be happy where you are and
remember that is all I want.
I wish I had seen you before...
now I will carry this regret forever.
I can't let go, I won't.
This reminder will stay 
for as long as I am here.

This time, time will not pass,
your memory will remain 
in perpetuity. 

How to find inspiration!

There was a time when I believed that writing is easy, not in the sense that any one can do it but in the sense that it can be done anytime. Unfortunately I have been brought face to face with the harsh reality that writing is not only momentous in nature but also very hard to capture. I've been wanting to write for a long time now but find it utterly exhausting to do so. And I have no clue why this is happening now at this time after I have held the idea of spontaneous writing for quite some time. Well now that I am stuck here in this land of no inspiration I feel its my duty to warn all those who believe writing to be an awesome piece of chocolate cake. It is after weeks of serious consideration and deep thought that I have come to the decision that I will look for a muse for the first time in my life since any kind of inner inspiration is clearly avoiding me. A muse can be a welcome change in the monotonous life of self reflection. But how do I decide who or what will be my muse? How does anyone? Its tedious for sure! 

But again after careful discussion with the inner self (self reflection at its best) I have reached the conclusion that a living being will be a good muse. Inanimate objects can only be exaggerated so much. And human beings are very vibrant in their emotions and reactions so I believe they won't let me down. But now the question arises on WHO? I can conveniently choose a friend who I think is interesting and shows traits that are intriguing or I can go for some stranger who I can observe without seeming to be a stalker.  Then there is also a third option of an acquaintance, where I'm safe from the assumption of being a stalker and also have a level of familiarity that adds to the observations. Well I have decided an acquaintance it is. 

Now who I choose I can not reveal as it will be my very big and very secret secret! Only thing to do now is to sit back and observe and  hope that my pen which loathed at the idea of scratching the paper will somehow get over its problems and  cooperate with my mind if and when the genius strikes. Hope, is what keeps me going now and hope I will that I can soon bring forth the result of this new muse to be. 

ACHE

There is an ache inside me, unknown and new, not within my grasp.

It throbs and it twists, its unnerving, the cause remains unknown.

It flares when there is distance, twitches to burn and consume.

Overwhelming yet precious, at once alien and a part of me.

The heat is over bearing,  I'm drowning without a reason.

It is suffocating, your breath is fresh and sweet, desirable.

It whimpers when you say goodbye, asks me to hold on tight.

The ache returns as I see you leave, it burns viciously now.

It calls to you for relief, as ambrosia to its starvation.

With your arms around me, it throbs dully, begging for an eternity.

It craves, its selfish, is it too bold of me to ask you to stay?

Soothe it with your gentle touch, can I ask you to be my crutch?

Play a soft hand down the side, it feels shy as if trying to hide.

But soon it soars with delight, the fear gone it shines so bright.

Your touch, your embrace is all it asks; in your glory it basks.

Its happy now but for how long? I need you here by my side, to you can I belong?

B l u e

B l u e  i s  a l l  I  s e e

a b o v e  a n d  b e y o n d  m e.

B l u e  i s  a l l  I  f e e l

w i t h i n  a n d  a r o u n d  m e.

D e e p e r  a n d  d e e p e r  i t  s l i t h e r s

u n t i l  a l l  i s  l o s t , a l l  i s  c o n s u m e d.

E s c a p e  t h i s  c o n f i n e m e n t?

I t ' s  a n  e s c a p e  f r o m  t h e  o u t s i d e  c o n s t r a i n t s.

A  f i g h t  f o r  c o n t r o l , a  l o s t  b a t t l e

f i n d i n g  s o l a c e  i n  s o l i t a r y.

L a p p i n g  w a v e s  d r a g g i n g  m e  d o w n

p u l l i n g  m e  a p a r t , t h r o w i n g  m e  a w a y.

A l l  s t r i n g s  s n i p e d  o n e  b y  o n e

t h e  b l u e  i s  a l l  e n c o m p a s s i n g.

C r a s h i n g  t h r o u g h  t h e  s u r f a c e

I  f i n d  a  b r e a t h  o f  f r e s h  a i r.

T h e  c a l m  h a s  v a n i s h ed

i t s  b a c k  t o  t h e  m i n d l e s s  c h a o s.

I  s i n k  a g a i n  t o  f e e l  t h e  f r e e d o m

r e l i n q u i s h  e v e r y t h i n g.

T h e  b l u e  i s  s t i l l  i s  h e r e

a s  m u c h  a b o v e  a s  b e l o w , o u t  o f  r e a c h.

B l u e  i s  a l l  I  s e e  a g a i n

a b o v e  a n d  b e y o n d  m e  f o r e v e r.

B l u e  i s  a l l  I  f e e l  t o d a y

w i t h i n  a r o u n d  m e , a l w a y s  s t a y i n g  t h e  s a m e.  

Moment

Wait, still alive, it’s beating

Move, its racing, its beating

Over, finished, no more beating

WHY?

I lie in the darkness

with no hope or light

The pain that blinds me

tells me I still have to fight

You find my pieces every time

and glue them together

You hold every bit every fragment

emanating the strength I need

Why do you stay?

Like I'm the one who matters.

Why do you pray?

When everything has shattered.

I'm broken and I bleed

I have nothing to offer

Things have been shifting

and it feels wrong, too wrong

Still I see you

on your knees beside me

Envelope me in your grace

you never let me fade

Why do you stay?

Like I'm the one that matters.

Why do you pray?

When everything has shattered?

S E N S E S

I taste you, I taste the acid that bleeds from your veins.
I see you, I see the ripple of a past I want to forget.
I hear you, I hear every truth disguised in lies.
I smell you, I smell the scent of betrayal.
I feel you, I feel the love that you've lost forever.

WiHrLwInD rOmAnCe

DON'T LOOK UPTO ME NOW

I WON'T MELT WITH THE LOVE THEY SHOW

IT WAS A WHIRLWIND ROMANCE BABY

IT AIN'T GONNA KEEP ME DOWN

YOU'RE ALL SENTIMENTAL DARLING

LOVE POEMS, FLOWERS AND A RING

IT WAS A WHIRLWIND ROMANCE BABY

IT CAN'T HOLD ME BACK FROM FLYING

I'M SORRY LOVE, BUT IT WASN'T LOVE

YOU FELL HARD WITH JUST A LITTLE SHOVE

IT WAS A WHIRLWIND ROMANCE BABY

NO DEPTH IN IT COULD KEEP ME AT BAY

YOUR HEART IS BREAKING, I CAN SEE

I GAVE YOU THE OPTION TO FLEE

IT WAS A WHIRLWIND ROMANCE BABY

WHY'D YOU LOSE YOURSELF HERE?

I DON'T STAY IN ONE PLACE OR AROUND

I CAN'T BE TETHERED TO THE GROUND

IT WAS A WHIRLWIND ROMANCE BABY

I'VE FOUND A NEW DIRECTION AND I'M READY TO FLY

STEP

Sitting on the edge,

fighting the urge to let go.

Breath caught up,

in the crossfire of wind and light.

Save me from this freedom,

its unknown and its vast.

Too much power to hold,

an invitation to fly, to soar.

Unlimited, a shock of blue and grey,

watch me jump, embracing the deep and the great.

Broken are the bonds,

no more tethers to hold me back.

Walking the path that leads everywhere,

building the bridge to the beginning of my end.

Make Some Noise

I have seen bad things happen

but I don't want to talk about it.

I witnessed that girl being abducted

but I am will be no witness.

I've seen that women's bruises

but I will not meddle in their family problem.

We see it everyday, we feel the pain

but we are too scared to

make some noise.

We close our eyes, we block the voices

its not our problem we say.

But soon enough it is out turn

its not their problem they say.

That black eye, the tears in his eyes

I saw it, you saw it too

but we remain dumb and blind.

Its happened to us

we saw it, they saw it too

but still we remain silent

afraid to make some noise.

We can fight

Violence has become a key to all our problems in recent times, though we know that it only aggravates any situation rather than diluting the tension. Reading the newspaper has become a chore as we witness the abundance of cases where violence has prevailed over logical and rational solutions. 

                                               People's temper is higher than ever before and seems to be worsening with every passing year. With as much evidence we have in newspapers we fail to realize that not all violent situations make it to the news. Violence has as many faces as there are people around us. The household fight which turns physical, the little girl who is coerced into not telling anyone - this is the violence that effects us the most. We are witnesses to all this but we choose to ignore it hence becoming a part of this vicious cycle. Most of the time our brain supplies the excuse that it doesn't concern us and it all strikes as being far away from our own reality. But their always comes the time when we have to face violence face to face; usually we are so dumbstruck by it that the right path eludes us. 

                                                                     Silence strengthens violence. We keep mum on things we see and things we suspect because that's what we are taught. We see our elders know stuff and feel bad but avoid any action. We learn to duplicate what they do without questioning until we are the victims. But within us I believe we all know that keeping silent isn't the solution that we seek. the bad things of our life do not just disappear, we have to fight them. Violence in our life is the same. It will return to us sooner or later till the time we realize that only way to end is to challenge it, not with violence itself but with logic.

                                                                                                          So the solution that we have against violence and every other bad thing that we witness is to make noise, as much noise as we can so that we can not be ignored. We have to make noise to live in peaceful silence.

HOME

I remember that corner
its where I first laughed.
I don't remember when or why
but I remember going back to it
whenever I was sad.

This room is where I thought I knew love,
a stupid crush of an age gone by.
Making small hearts and writing stupid poetry
keeping things hidden because
it was that way.

I love this bed, it kept me safe
from ghosts and nightmares.
I sought its comfort in times of distress.
Its seen better years but its still cozy.
It welcomes me though I've outgrown it.

Its a vague memory but its here,
running to this corner and crying
till my eyes were red.
never thinking I'll be happy again
and here I am happier than ever.

Its time to move away now,
don't know when I'll be back again.
Its farther away than ever before,
can't promise how long it'll be.
But as long as I am able
I'll find my way back to you.

HOPE

FINDING SOLACE IN THE DEPTHS OF MY HEART

HOPING FOR PEACE AND STRENGTH FOR A NEW START.

IT HURTS YOU KNOW THE CONSTANT FIGHTS,

CAN'T OVERLOOK SO MANY WRONGS FOR ONE RIGHT.

LIKE DAGGERS WE PIERCE EACH OTHER

NOTHINGS LEFT BUT HURT AND BOTHER.

RUNNING BLOOD MIX WITH THE TEARS

BUT STAYING APART IS OUR BIGGEST FEAR.

HOW DO WE TURN AROUND FROM HERE?

DOES THE NEXT JUNCTION LEAD TO SOMEPLACE NEW?

THE TIME IS PASSING AND THE CHANCES LEFT ARE FEW.

THE DARKNESS OVERBEARS BUT I STILL HOPE

STAY WITH ME, LET ME HELP YOU COPE.

THEIR IS LIGHT AT THE END OF THIS TUNNEL

I WANT A FUTURE AND I HAVE NOT GIVEN UP,

PROVE ME RIGHT DARLING, HOLD MY HAND

EMBRACE ME WITH YOUR WARMTH AND 

KEEP WHAT WE HAVE ALIVE.

Defining life

Its a spare paper 

waiting for the artist.

It is woven music

 waiting for the lyrics.

Not bare sand but rigid stone,

 it needs a sculptor.

Life is a new house

 you have to decorate.

Life is the new register

 you have to write in.

It is an empty sheet

 waiting for your imprint.

One Day

Mother where are my shoes? Neeta where is my wallet? Mom where is my red tee?

She was up in a second, moving through the house, picking up things, handing things to the person who demanded it. This was a morning like every other morning. She wondered if this perhaps was the problem. The alarm on the bedside screamed everyday at 5 am and the day began even before she could open her eyes. Breakfast was to be ready by 7.30 and lunches packed by 8. By 9 she was all alone and ready to begin her daily work. The cleaning lady was late again, the tap in the kitchen needed fixing, the sheets have to be changed and everything has to be organized.

The day hadn't ended but her work was done, surprisingly. When was the last time she had time for herself? It was hard to remember. But this was her time, she hadn't decided what she would do. Her memory wasn't this weak, why couldn't she remember what she liked to do? Well she could always finish other chores, there'll be time for herself later. She had totally forgotten that there were clothes to be washed and ironed. Her memory was getting weak, she had never forgotten anything.

Lunch was always easier, she was mostly alone. Evening wasn't something she looked forward to though. She had enough free time to not know what to do. She thought about going back to her music but never really got to it. Marriage had put a stop to what little she had of her own. Now it was morning, day and night one after the other. She did it again, started thinking about how life had changed. She needed to stop this day dreaming and return to reality.

Night couldn't have come faster. Dinner was all ready. Dinner was served. How was the day? No answer. Can we go out this weekend? Busy. Dinner was done. They are tired we can talk later. I'll clean up, why don't you go on. Finally she could talk to him. Silence. There is always tomorrow.