What should I do?

From the day that I was old enough to understand I was taught one thing 'We are all equal'. As I passed school years I formed this idea that men and women are the same. Being biologically different doesn't make us better or worse than the other. I believed this with all my heart. Then came a time when I was forced to accept that I was different and weaker in the eyes of some. I started to notice the subtle ways in which society treated men and women differently. I was confused at first but it soon turned into anger. I hate to admit any weakness, especially one which I believe I don't have. Let others think what they want but I know that I am equal to men.

You always think that if the right people support you can face anything, I thought the same too. I was disappointed. My parents might not be partial in their treatment of girls and boys but they do fall victim to the fear of the society. I have faced eve teasing and leers from strangers but never had it deterred me from living my life. The fear I sense from my parents when they learn of a rape case in the city is the only thing that could make me think twice. I hate fear, I cannot imagine living in fear but I do. Every empty street that I cross or every rowdy group of guys I pass makes me retreat into a shell hoping for the street to end and the group to pass without any mishap. How do I maintain my idea of equality in this light? 

I want to be strong and fight but I do not know how to do that when I fear for myself. I want the society to change but how do I do that when I can be the one facing the consequences? Fear is a strong factor and it is capable of shaping our lives. I don't want to let it do that and I tell every one to not let it do so as well. Do i become a hypocrite if I can't follow what I preach? I am a women and I believe I am equal to men. I just need conviction that thinking so is not something that I might regret. I am warned on my behavior, what to do and how to talk but they never ask the other to do the same. Why should I always face the brunt of rules and social dogmas? 

I don't know what I wish to do or what my final thought is about this issue. I am fearful for myself, for my sister and my friends. But I am also angry for being made a victim. How can my society claim equality when they cannot allow me to be me? I am confused and I have no clue how to work through this confusion. Do I follow the demands of my heart, of equality and freedom or do I cower with the fear that seems to surround us women every time we step out of our safe havens?

We Are Women

Why should we suffer when you are the culprit?

Why should we hurt when the blame lies on you?

We are women but we are not weak.

We fight everyday for our freedom and our lives. 

We stand tall facing calamities that you cower from. 

But you don't know our worth and you fail to value us. 

You take and you snatch and forget the rules of humanity. 

We struggle against you for our dignity but 

you ravage and you destroy without a thought.

You throw us down, seize us and rape us,

 leave us numb and shattered. 

We are women and we are not weak. 

We rise from the ashes like the phoenix. 

We fly with our wings outstretched. 

You may try to crush us and tame us but we are resilient.

You try to suppress our hopes and our dreams 

but we are mothers and we create.

We forge our own life and 

you cannot cripple it with your violence.

We nurture it with strength that you forget we have.

We will not suffer because you are the culprit.

We will not hurt because the blame lies on you.

A N G E L

A shadow in the blue sky covers up the sun.

Open wings stretched across their length to fly.

Flutter of wind, sharp and tugging and breathing.

Mesmerizing height and defying gravity.

Morning shines with warmth, I feel it through my wings.

Unfurl them to breathe, to feel the light and be.

Quivering and shivering, they move with the wind.

Smooth with the strength, intent to take flight.

The cold now permeates as do the unwanted chill.

Heavy with exertion, just will drives them on.

Holding me aloft from drowning in this world.

A dead weight to carry, a dying strength to depend on.

Their beauty now vanished, a shell of their glory is left.

Scratched and torn and bloody, no more my aid.

A burden to carry along with the memories that plague me.

Reminder of the story, the fairytale I lived in.

Escape is not possible, to survive is the only thought.

Pushed down from the heavens to dwell in the mud for eternity.

Punishment or redemption, I have no will to question anymore.

Falling is painful when the awaiting ground is full of thorns.

Days trudge by and so do I with no respite.

Then came the green and the cool blue, a haven, a hope.

A new life here will begin, redemption I have found.

A prayer sent above for blessings on my new abode.

A new world to inhabit; a new world to explore.

A new search to start, to fill the gap I still feel.

The quest was short lived, you came stumbling upon me.

I thought I fell from heaven, angel I found on the ground.

Bright eyea, brighter smile; a new warmth fills my body.

You chased the loneliness away and filled me to the brim with awe.

Every corner now lit up, all is ready to burst out.

Leading me to the new life I was to build, which I was always waiting for.

A future I now see near, the sky is clear blue again.

I feel the wind through my wings followed by your fingers.

Falling does not scare me now, I now what awaits me here.

You will hold on till I'm whole again and do so till the end.

A dream I saw, I questioned and I fell.

Loss of grace and fear of disgrace.

Then I saw my saving light all bright and fearless.

I fall for you as I always do, my angel.

Note: The last image is of Castiel and Dean from the television series Supernatural. You can say that the poem is kind of inspired from it but only partially. And yes I know how obsessive I sound.

REGRET

Its clawing on the insides growing like a black hole.
All light seems to vanish - a gaping darkness.
Every second takes the breath away from this body,
how do I deal with my regret?
The meaning is lost now that I have lost your guidance.
I should have said the important things.
Does it hurt this way all the time?
Why are the tears not running dry, as they always say?
Numbness is all I can feel, is it a feeling at all?
My mind in a frenzy, the past and the future broken to pieces.

I hoped so much, waited for the right time,
now the time is lost like the sun at the end of day.
"It will get better", I have heard that once too many.
Every breathe of mine feels the emptiness.
So far away you had been, I was too young,
but the meaning was still there.
Did I ever tell you that I wanted you in my future?
Did I say that I wanted you happy?
A glorious picture I had created,
now lost in the sands of time, its a hazy memory.
The piercing pain is a reminder,
I have become a walking cliche-

I think I can see you in the night stars,
you shine the brightest for me.
The flashes of that future cross my mind,
why won't the wetness on my face dry?
Is there a heaven or hell?
I know where you will be.
Are you still watching over us like you used to?
Am I still blessed by you?
I hope you find your peace and calm,
all that you missed here.
Be happy where you are and
remember that is all I want.
I wish I had seen you before...
now I will carry this regret forever.
I can't let go, I won't.
This reminder will stay 
for as long as I am here.

This time, time will not pass,
your memory will remain 
in perpetuity. 

How to find inspiration!

There was a time when I believed that writing is easy, not in the sense that any one can do it but in the sense that it can be done anytime. Unfortunately I have been brought face to face with the harsh reality that writing is not only momentous in nature but also very hard to capture. I've been wanting to write for a long time now but find it utterly exhausting to do so. And I have no clue why this is happening now at this time after I have held the idea of spontaneous writing for quite some time. Well now that I am stuck here in this land of no inspiration I feel its my duty to warn all those who believe writing to be an awesome piece of chocolate cake. It is after weeks of serious consideration and deep thought that I have come to the decision that I will look for a muse for the first time in my life since any kind of inner inspiration is clearly avoiding me. A muse can be a welcome change in the monotonous life of self reflection. But how do I decide who or what will be my muse? How does anyone? Its tedious for sure! 

But again after careful discussion with the inner self (self reflection at its best) I have reached the conclusion that a living being will be a good muse. Inanimate objects can only be exaggerated so much. And human beings are very vibrant in their emotions and reactions so I believe they won't let me down. But now the question arises on WHO? I can conveniently choose a friend who I think is interesting and shows traits that are intriguing or I can go for some stranger who I can observe without seeming to be a stalker.  Then there is also a third option of an acquaintance, where I'm safe from the assumption of being a stalker and also have a level of familiarity that adds to the observations. Well I have decided an acquaintance it is. 

Now who I choose I can not reveal as it will be my very big and very secret secret! Only thing to do now is to sit back and observe and  hope that my pen which loathed at the idea of scratching the paper will somehow get over its problems and  cooperate with my mind if and when the genius strikes. Hope, is what keeps me going now and hope I will that I can soon bring forth the result of this new muse to be.