The Book in the Corner

In the corner of my room is my bookshelf. It’s adorned with some of my favorites and then some which are yet to be read. I have spent days contemplating the order and time I will read these books in. Which I will revisit and which are just for collection. There is one book there which has not seen the light of day since I put it there - the dictionary.

We all have that blue cover Collins or Oxford giant in our home. At times we decide on the ‘pocket version’ which is not meant for the pocket, thinking that it’ll be easier to access and use. We hope and at times believe that the smaller the dictionary, the more it will be used. I have had a variety of dictionaries in the past 21 years ranging from the classic Hindi to English and vice versa, as well as the standard Oxford “pocket” dictionary. How many times I have actually used the dictionary as a medium of knowledge? The answer hovers somewhere near a dozen.

We usually become adept readers at the age of 12 and would have teachers constantly nagging us to use a dictionary. As a child I was never interested in even looking at a dictionary. The small amount of work and watching TV was enough to pass my day and forget about anything else. A book full of words that are difficult and weird sounding was never an attractive thing to keep myself occupied with.

If only I had paid attention, I wouldn’t have faced embarrassment of epic proportions later in higher classes. But I learnt and conquered the essentials of a dictionary and then I bought a new one. The fresh covers made it irresistible like any other new book. However unlike others it remains tucked in the corner coming out rarely. Its only use now is for the occasional glance it gets and the satisfaction that follows it.

Steps

A deep breath and a silent pause. Time stands still, anticipation roars in my ears. Seconds pass as if hours, the wait is excruciating. The moment before the start, the moment of decision, of nerves and of fear. The second to succumb or to overcome what lies ahead. A path straight or curved, an end found or lost. Then the second passes by and the overwhelming reality crashes like waves, powerful and endless. You feel small; the enormity swings you as a puppet on  strings. Your body works on automatic, mind in a whirlwind. Floundering beneath the surface. A push to take control, putting the right in front of the left. The effort is enormous as seems every advance. Another shove tries to pull you down, trembling legs  struggling for a grip in the slippery sand. The wobble gives way to stable steps. The tread turns to stride to a run. A surge of speed, quickening of breath, a feeling of elation glowing in my breast. A world in passing, a life in momentum. A burst of life, a support, a hand to hold. I hear identical steps; I feel them beside me not overtaking but aligned to mine. Distances travelled, marks made, memories created. This course is coming to an end; I see the finish line ahead. Flashes of the race, a blur behind my eyes. A desire to restart burns in my heart. But now I am here, the moment before the end. A second of eternity passes. A deep breath and a silent pause. 

Today I thought that I will write.
Put pen to paper and express myself.
Be as elusive as Eliot or as charming as Shakespeare.
Maybe try some satire, make Dryden proud.
The words flow freely making beauty.
Mingling socially, creating poetry.
Or so I had thought, I had wished.
Hoped for a muse as grand as Milton’s
Or dreams as illustrious as the Romantics.
My life unfortunately lacks the passions of politics and romance.
No empathy for others life perchance?
I tried a little rhyming here and there.
Edited the form and the verse to no end.
Still the grace of yesteryears eluded me
I found no rhythm no meaning.
The words seemed scattered and lost
Hopelessly strung as I kept on striving.
But I’m at it, I won’t give up.
Genius after all doesn’t strike over night.
I can keep fumbling through the dark
Making my way by feeling along.
What’s to lose? Some days, some nights.
But the final product will be worth this plight.
I’ll keep to the basics, all that I was taught.
Or walk the road less travelled as did Robert Frost.

SHE

It was dark and damp

Not a soul was around

The streets were empty

And there was no sound

The tiny steps were hurried

Searching for a reprieve

Peeking into every nook

Every corner was visited

The tiny hands joined

Held together to pray

The small voice pleaded

But was unheard

The silence was loud

With the ragged breathing

The fear was escalating

She could see no out

The shadows were dancing

Crowding all around

Fear was setting in

The dread was too

There was no wind

The air was sucked out 

Clouds closed in

A vault she was locked in

Her voice was gone

The screams were unheard

The pleas were ignored

Hurt it did

The pain was too much

Tears were flowing

No meaning left in them

She was left alone

A writhing mess

She was looked upon

No sympathy in the eyes

The lights danced now

A dance of fervour

Frenzy set in then

She laughed at them

Showed no weakness

Stood tall and walked

Strength in her strut

She ignored the whispers

Ignored the looks

She talked then

Let out all the truth

Called on justice

And punishment too

Her life was an aim now

Closure she needed

Wanted justice served

She was power

She was dignity

She lived and loved

She did not die

She survived 

What should I do?

From the day that I was old enough to understand I was taught one thing 'We are all equal'. As I passed school years I formed this idea that men and women are the same. Being biologically different doesn't make us better or worse than the other. I believed this with all my heart. Then came a time when I was forced to accept that I was different and weaker in the eyes of some. I started to notice the subtle ways in which society treated men and women differently. I was confused at first but it soon turned into anger. I hate to admit any weakness, especially one which I believe I don't have. Let others think what they want but I know that I am equal to men.

You always think that if the right people support you can face anything, I thought the same too. I was disappointed. My parents might not be partial in their treatment of girls and boys but they do fall victim to the fear of the society. I have faced eve teasing and leers from strangers but never had it deterred me from living my life. The fear I sense from my parents when they learn of a rape case in the city is the only thing that could make me think twice. I hate fear, I cannot imagine living in fear but I do. Every empty street that I cross or every rowdy group of guys I pass makes me retreat into a shell hoping for the street to end and the group to pass without any mishap. How do I maintain my idea of equality in this light? 

I want to be strong and fight but I do not know how to do that when I fear for myself. I want the society to change but how do I do that when I can be the one facing the consequences? Fear is a strong factor and it is capable of shaping our lives. I don't want to let it do that and I tell every one to not let it do so as well. Do i become a hypocrite if I can't follow what I preach? I am a women and I believe I am equal to men. I just need conviction that thinking so is not something that I might regret. I am warned on my behavior, what to do and how to talk but they never ask the other to do the same. Why should I always face the brunt of rules and social dogmas? 

I don't know what I wish to do or what my final thought is about this issue. I am fearful for myself, for my sister and my friends. But I am also angry for being made a victim. How can my society claim equality when they cannot allow me to be me? I am confused and I have no clue how to work through this confusion. Do I follow the demands of my heart, of equality and freedom or do I cower with the fear that seems to surround us women every time we step out of our safe havens?